ep8

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Ep 8:

[Cut to hillside with General Li and Mulan standing in the snow. The sun is behind them and is low in the sky. Mulan poses and starts to recite the "Song of the Wind" by Liu Bang of the Han dynasty. General Li looks on in some surprise]

Mulan [in best parade voice]: Sudden winds storm, clouds flee sunward; my hand sweeps seaward, home I envision; peaceful, yet fierce warrior, guarding four ways.

General Li: My, my, my. you certainly have enough ambition. So you want to become Emperor, even?

Mulan: I would never dare dream of such effrontery. However, I want to have as much glory as this man (referring to hero in the poem). I'm just not satisfied with being a mere lieutenant.

General Li: Then what would it take to satisfy you?

Mulan: I want to fight in a few important battles. I also want to win some glorious victories. Ideally, I want to become marshal. If I can't do that, then attaining general rank would also be nice.

General Li [chuckling]: Your raw ambition is certainly impressive. Is becoming a marshal or general really that important to you?

Mulan: Of course it is. Ever since I was little my mother has scolded me for
bringing disasters and scrapes upon the family. She'd beat me once every two
or three days. I used to wonder if I was her real child. It seemed that I
couldn't do anything right in her eyes. I refuse to return home to let her
look down on me. On my first day in camp, I promised myself I would do prove
to her I could do anything anyone else could do, and moreover, that I'd do
it better than anyone else. I want to bring honor upon the Hua family and
all our ancestors. I want my mother to look at me with respect and pride for
once.

General Li: But haven't you considered that if you only think of personal
glory it narrows your vision just a bit?

Mulan [looks at General Li narrowly]: Well what about you? Haven't you
worked all this time in the army for personal glory? Didn't you labor from a
private and work your way up to general? Haven't you ever thought of
becoming marshal one day? Isn't that aiming for personal glory?

General Li [looks away]: I detest war. I also detest killing. I have
never wanted to become a marshal or general. In fact, I hope one day I can
stop being a general and never have to fight again. [Looks toward Mulan] Do
you know what I consider success and failure? [Mulan shakes her head] I
fight because I want to end warfare. I want to finish with war and go home,
to let our people live out their lives in peace. That is my real dream. You
know, when I can finally hang up my armor and go home to live the life of a
farmer, I'll be much happier, even if I only picked dung from the fields.

Mulan [looks ashamed]: Do you look down on such a small spirited person like
me?

General Li [protesting]: Now why would I? If it weren't for people like you,
how would I stand out from the crowd?

Mulan: Stop joking. I'm being serious.

General Li: I'm not joking. I am being serious. I have my pride, too. [Starts
to pose] There. Is that imposing enough for you? Or how about this? [Poses
some more]

[Cut to city streets. Jili is wandering around looking lost and deep in
thought. He hears echoes of the Outhouse Goddess's earlier words in his
head. "You have fallen in love with Hua Mulan.stop kidding yourself.you want
her to have eternal youth.]

Jili [looks at the sky and glares]: It's all your fault, you meddling bitch!
Why else would I willingly give up a high post in the Celestial Kingdom and
opt to stay here in the mortal realms and suffer like a mortal? It's
impossible! [Starts to pout] Fall in love with a mortal? Impossible. [Pastes
a smile on his face and continues to talk to himself. The villagers are
starting to stare at him] I only wanted to gain some benefit (this is
literally "chou1 you2 shui3," which mean "grab oily water;" I think it means
to get while the getting's good). Nine out of ten men would do the same, so
even though I'm an immortal I'm not excluded from this. [Finally notices
everyone staring at him]

People [muttering]: He must be insane.

Jili: Oh, my fellow brothers and sisters. No wait, I don't see any sisters
here. My fellow brothers, I am not insane. I'm an immortal that's stuck here
in the mortal realms, that's all.

People [start to walk away and still mutter]: Yup, he's insane. Just ignore
him.

Jili [sees everyone is gone, he squats on the ground]: Damn. Never realized
it, but Cupid has gotten me with his arrow and I'm now tied to Hua Mulan.
What am I going to do? I've fallen in love with her.

[Cut to field outside camp. It is covered in snow and Mulan is leaning
against a tree trying to catch her breath. General Li walks up and places a
hand on her shoulder]

General Li: Are you tired?

Mulan [still gasping]: I'm all right.let's rest here for a little while.

General Li [chuckling]: I thought you were going to say, "I'm not tired;
let's continue walking." Okay. We'll rest here for a bit.

Mulan [pointing to mountaintop]: General Li, can we really climb to the top
of that?

General Li: Of course. Behind that mountain there is a large sunken basin.
From the top of the mountain we can see all movement (military?) outside the
Great Wall.

Mulan [jaw drops]: In that case, I definitely need to take a rest.

[Cut to Marshal's quarters. He is sitting in a chair and looks like he is
expecting a visitor. The door opens and a eunuch walks in. They greet each
other and we find out this is Eunuch Gui, one of the emperor's advisors and
representatives]

Marshal: Eunuch Gui, please have a seat.

Eunuch Gui [dismisses the guard]: Marshal, I do not dare pause even to sit
down. I have come to ask you to save the day.

Marshal [smiles but looks puzzled]: Eunuch Gui, what is the problem? Perhaps
you overestimate my abilities.

Eunuch Gui: Marshal, there is something you don't know. Ever since his
Majesty received the treaty from you he has been in seventh heaven. He has
ordered me to escort the Crown Prince and the Second Prince to personally
bestow awards upon your armies here in Youzhou.

Marshal: The Crown Prince is in Youzhou?

Eunuch Gui: We finally managed to get here, but not without a lot of
trouble. As you are well aware, the Crown Prince is a playboy. For some odd
reason, he refused to come here to see you.

Marshal [mystified]: Why?

Eunuch Gui: He isn't done playing around! I'm an uneducated and
inexperienced official in his eyes; I can't convince him to behave. I must
ask if you can try your luck persuading him to do as his father asks. If
anything happens, their Majesties will blame me for everything. I can't
afford for that to happen!

Marshal: Don't worry, Eunuch Gui. I will talk to the Crown Prince when he
arrives.

Eunuch Gui: They are arriving shortly.

[Cut to snowy road leading to the distant camp Mulan and General Li had gone
to inspect. General Li is staring at something intently when Mulan catches
up to him. She is again out-of-breath from trying to keep up. Oddly, there
is no one at the main gate]

Mulan [noticing his intent expression]: What's the matter? Is something
wrong?

General Li [pointing]: It was only a few months ago that the military
inspector came to examine this camp. Supposedly, he didn't find anything
wrong.

Mulan [angrily]: That bastard never came then! He's not fit to be called a man!

General Li [unperturbed]: There should be a garrison stationed here. Where
is everyone?

Mulan [still mad]: The inspector in charge of this camp has shirked his duty
and tried to cover up the truth. He doesn't care that his actions hurt his
country's safety! That's too much!

General Li [chiding her]: Hold on, don't lose your temper so fast. Wait
until we get to the bottom of this first. [Looks around] You know, the view
here is really nice. Let's spend the night here, watch the sunrise tomorrow
morning, then go back down the mountain to our camp.

Mulan [alarmed]: Spend the night here? [Looks nervous] You mean, just the
two of us?

General Li: Is there a problem?

Mulan [straightens up and puffs out her chest]: No problem! It's no problem
at all for two grown men to sleep in the same bed together. [General Li is
looking away and doesn't notice Mulan fidgeting and trying to think of a
good excuse for them not to sleep together without it looking too
suspicious] Er.General Li, sir? I'm used to sleeping by myself. I'll sleep
over there, alright?

General Li: Alright.

[Cut to the temporary quarters for the Crown Prince and the Second Prince.
Eunuch Gui is leading the Marshal inside and asks him to wait a minute while
he fetches the Crown Prince. A soldier runs in with urgent news]

Eunuch Gui: What's all the commotion about?

Soldier: The Crown Prince and the Second Prince have disappeared!

Eunuch Gui: What?

Marshal: What do you mean, the two princes have disappeared?

Soldier: Sir, let me frank with you, the Crown Prince's behavior will be the
death of Eunuch Gui and me.

Marshal [sternly]: Soldier, the Crown Prince has been brought up in the lap
of luxury. He's been pampered and no doubt is a little spoiled. It is not
your place to criticize him behind his back. If news of what you said were
to travel to the palace, your head would be forfeit, you realize.

Soldier [bows]: Sir, thank you for reminding me.

Eunuch Gui [chuckling]: Marshal, the Crown Prince has raised hell even when
in the palace. Don't worry; there's no one here to squeal on him.

[Cut to local brothel. Two men walk inside, led by the madam in charge. The
first man is slightly shorter and has a pleasant face. The second man is
taller but has a closed face. You can see the shrewdness in his eyes. He
looks bored but patiently hang around anyway]

First man: I hear that your establishment features the best ladies in all of
Youzhou. In particular, the famous Man-man and You-you are here. We'd like
to have them entertain us, madam.

Madam: Oh, gentlemen, it's such bad timing. Man-man and You-you are
currently serving other customers.

First man: Really? That's okay. We'll wait a while. Here. [Pulls out a large
wad of bills from his shirt and peels off one, then hands it to the madam]
This is a thousand-ounce note. Consider this a present for the two lovely
ladies from the two of us.

Madam [weakly]: A thousand ounces.

First man: Take it. Go ahead and take it. [Sees her hesitate] This money is
legal tender, so don't worry about its being counterfeit.

Madam: Sirs, you mistake my hesitation. It's not that I thought the money
was counterfeit. I'm just overwhelmed at the debt I now owe you. Will you
two gentlemen wait a few moments? [Turns to her clerk] Go fetch Man-man and
You-you to entertain our guests here. [The madam then leads the two
gentlemen to an adjacent room. The room contains two tables and four
benches. They sit down and wait for the ladies to arrive]

First man [whispers to second one; by the greeting he uses, we can infer the
First Man is the Crown Prince and the second one is the Second Prince]:
Brother, it wasn't easy to sneak out this time. I did it because I wanted to
get you to socialize more. How come as soon as we stepped in the door you
shrunk back in your shell like a startled turtle?

Second Prince: If our mother found out about this excursion, I'd hate to
think what she would do to us.

Crown Prince: Oh please! If you don't say anything and I don't say anything,
then how is she supposed to know we came to a.[the clerk walks in bringing a
tray of wine and appetizers, which he sets on the table]

Clerk: Enjoy the food, sirs. The ladies you requested will be here in just a
few minutes. [Turns and leaves room]

Second Prince: I think we'd better not. Let's go home now. [Gets up but the
Crown Prince grabs his sleeve]

Crown Prince: May as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb. What's the matter
with you?

Second Prince: It's not that. I'm scared of what our mother will do to us if
she finds out.

Crown Prince: Since we're already here we may as well take a peek at the
wares.

Second Prince: No, we can't do that.

[At this point the madam comes in the room with the two ladies the Crown
Prince requested]

Man-man and You-you: Sirs, pleased to meet you.

Crown Prince [comes forward]: Ah.you don't need to be so formal with us. If
you entertain my younger brother well, I promise you a hefty reward
tomorrow. I'll give each of you a thousand ounces of silver. How's that
sound?

Man-man and You-you: Thank you, sir!

[The Second Prince has been wearing a pained expression the whole time. He
looks uncomfortable in the brothel and timid compared to his elder brother]

Second Prince: Brother, I can't do this.

Crown Prince: What do you mean you can't do this?

Second Prince [drags him aside to talk]: Brother, if our mother found out we
consorted with prostitutes she'd kill us!

Crown Prince: Why are you so cowardly? [Exasperated] I declare, you have no
balls.

Second Prince: But I'm really scared of our mother. Just thinking about what
she'd do makes me weak in the knees.

Madam [interrupting]: Is there a problem, gentlemen? Let us help while your
worries away.

Crown Prince: Oh, there's nothing wrong. My younger brother is just an
upright citizen. He's not used to having fun.

Second Prince [whining]: Let's go home.

Crown Prince: Oh please! Stop pouring cold water on me. I'm giving you one
more chance. Do you want to wine and dine with these lovely ladies or not? I
certainly want to. If you don't want to join in, then you can go home by
yourself. Madam, lead the way. [He walks off with one arm around each of the
prostitutes. The Second Prince gets a pleased gleam in his eyes, as if he is
deliberately trying to get his brother in trouble while looking like a saint
himself]

[Cut to the barracks where Mulan's troops sleep. Colonel Yu is pacing back
and forth nervously when her troops enter the tent. Seeing Colonel Yu
standing there, the loud banter suddenly stops]

Soldiers: Colonel Yu, sir. [Colonel Yu waves aside their greeting and the
soldiers walk off to their respective beds. Colonel Yu sits on Mulan's bunk,
apparently awaiting her return]

Pudgy [gingerly approaches Colonel Yu]: Um. sir, it's time for lights out.

Colonel Yu [gets up]: When Lieutenant Hua returns, tell him to see me
immediately.

Pudgy: Yes, sir. [The soldiers watch Colonel Yu leave the tent and start to
whisper immediately]

Monkey: Did you see the expression on his face? He looked as nervous as an
ant that's been dropped in a hot skillet. If I didn't know better, I would
have thought he just broke up with someone.

Pudgy: What are you talking about? Colonel Yu has never liked General Li, so
he doesn't like to see Boss spend time with General Li.

Monkey: General Li is much more glamorous and imposing than Colonel Yu is.
He (meaning Mulan?) wants Brother Liang, not Brother Chenen. [Playfully puts
his head on Pudgy's shoulder. The other soldiers erupt in loud and raucous
laughter at this bawdy joke]

Pudgy [angrily grabs Monkey by the collar]: What are you saying? How dare
you make a joke of Boss! [Shoves him hard]

[Cut to the distant outpost where General Li and Mulan are spending the
night. The sky is lit with an eerie glow, presumably moonlight]

General Li: I've seen sunrise from numerous places. I think watching it from
here is the most awe-inspiring, though. Have you ever seen a sunrise from
such a high place? [Mulan's eyes are wide in wonder and she doesn't say
anything but sighs] You can see great distances from high places. You can
see into a man's soul. You can clear out the clutter in his life. A monk
can't do any better, in spite of a life of being vegetarian and living
cleanly. [Mulan sighs. This time, General Li turns to look at her and
notices she isn't even looking out the same window] What's with the sighs?
[She doesn't answer but sighs again. She's staring out another window (I
presume) as she sits before the fire. He comes over and taps her on the
shoulder] I said, what's with the sighs?

Mulan [dreamily]: If I could watch such beautiful stars with my true love by
my side that would be absolutely wonderful. We could sit here and count the
stars together.

General Li [gets a mischievous grin and sits down next to her]: So you have
an object for your affections?

Mulan: Yes, I do. But my beloved doesn't know I have feelings for them.

General Li: Well, then you should make your feelings known.

Mulan [grumpily]: I'm not going to do something that's going to get me
nowhere.

General Li: Oh. so she already has someone.

Mulan: Nope. my beloved said I wasn't their type and that I was too much
like a man.[She bites off the rest of the sentence]

General Li: Hey, you're a man. Of course you're supposed to be like a man.

Mulan [thinking quickly]: No, that's not it. This young lady thinks I'm too
rough and tumble for her tastes. She said I always seem to be getting into
trouble.

General Li: Humph! She doesn't know quality when she sees it. Just forget
about her. [He yawns then leans his head on Mulan's shoulder]

Mulan [muttering]: It's not that easy to forget.it's not as if I wanted to
remember. [Notices General Li isn't moving and his head is getting heavy on
her shoulder] My goodness, how could he fall asleep so quickly? [Tries to
shrug him off her shoulder but he instead slips off and tumbles onto her
chest. She now tries to get up without waking him up and he then tumbles on
her stomach. Much to Mulan's chagrin, General Li then puts his hands behind
his head and uses Mulan's lap as a pillow]

[Cut to road outside the brothel. Several soldiers arrive with Eunuch Gui
and the Marshal. One soldier, a sergeant, comes forward and grabs the clerk
at the door]

Sergeant: Tell me, are there two gentlemen traveling together who are
inside? Speak up!

Clerk: Madam! Madam, please come out here! [Madam comes scurrying out]

Sergeant [grabs the Madam by the collar]: Tell me, did two gentlemen come
here last night?

Marshal [coming forward]: Stop that. You're frightening her. [He bows to the
Madam] Ma'am, did two gentlemen drop by your establishment last night? They
were dressed in rich clothes and were fairly young.

Madam: Two young men? Yes, they were here last night. They were brothers, of
the surname Yang. Do you sirs wish to find them?

Eunuch Gui: Thank Heaven! We've found them! [Bows to the Marshal] Sir, you
certainly have a knack at ferreting out the truth from these people. All it
took was three sentences and you've got them so scared they wet their pants.

Marshal [to Sergeant]: Close off all the exits. Surround the establishment!
[The sergeant hurries to tell his men to surround the brothel] The rest of
you, come with me. [To Madam] Ma'am, might I trouble you to notify these two
gentlemen that Marshal Li wishes to see them.

Madam: Those two gentlemen just left, though.

Marshal [shocked]: They left?

[Cut to tavern. The Crown Prince and the Second Prince are eating a meal and
enjoying themselves]

Crown Prince: Mm. this stuff is really good. Man-man and You-you recommended
these dishes and they were right. It's the better than the food back at the
palace.

Second Prince: Brother, how did it go with you last night? Were you able to
handle both of the ladies?

Crown Prince: Oh, there was no problem in that department.

Second Prince [look of admiration in his eyes]: I really am in awe of you,
Brother.

Crown Prince: We wined and dined the night away. I could handle a few more
ladies at once without a problem.

Second Prince [surprised]: You mean you spent the whole night with those two
ladies and all you did was wine and dine? You didn't do anything else?

Crown Prince: There are three types of ladies I like at my side. The first
type consists of daughters of good families. I can only chat with them and
nothing more. The second type consists of ladies that are only good for
having fun with.

Second Prince: And what of the third type?

Crown Prince: It's a secret; I'm not going to tell you.

Second Prince: Tell me.

Crown Prince: Alright. After we eat let's head back to the brothel and I'll get
a lady for you. After you've rested a while, I'll tell you my secret.

Second Prince [face falls]: I have to do that?

Crown Prince [puts arm on brother's shoulder]: This is so I can have
something to hold against you so you won't rat on me to our mother. [They
laugh at this and drink a toast]

Second Prince: Would I dare to sell you out to our mother? Come on, you said
this food was really good, so eat up.

[The two princes are interrupted when Su Jili staggers into the tavern. He
is obviously drunk and accosts the owner]

Jili: You claimed your tavern's wine was the best around. You even called it
"Ten Steps and You're Out" or something like that. [Grabs him by the collar]
Well, I've been running around all night and I still haven't passed out.
Well?!

Owner [stammering]: But sir, that was our best wine.

Jili: That's bull! Where's the "Ten Steps and You're Out?" Ten steps my ass.
[Roughly shoves the owner to the ground then starts to spank him. The Second
Prince and Crown Prince notice the commotion and they both get up to see
what is going on. The go to where Jili is now spraying wine all over the
owner] Ten steps my ass! I'm going to spray you to death!

Crown Prince [stepping in]: Hey! What are you doing? Why are you picking on
him? [Seeing Jili's attention is diverted, the owner hurriedly scrambles to
his feet and hides behind some of his patrons, visibly quivering in fear]

Jili: Do you know who he is? He's Cupid . He made me fall in love with that silly wench. You two had better step aside and mind your own business.

Crown Prince [pushing Jili away]: You're drunk already, so stop making such
a fuss.

Jili [shoving the Crown Prince aside]: Go on with you! Who do you think you
are?

Second Prince [to brother]: Brother, he is obviously very drunk. Go teach
him a lesson. [Pushes the Crown Prince towards Jili]

Jili: Teach me a lesson? [Throws some wine on the Crown Prince] And who do
you think you are?

Crown Prince [wiping off wine and furious]: You. how dare you! Do you know
who I am? I'm the Crown Prince!

Jili [puzzled and drunk]: Crown Prince? Never heard of him. How much silver
for one of those?

Crown Prince: The. the crown prince is the Emperor's son! He's also the
future Emperor! There, bet you're afraid now.

Jili: Afraid? I'm afraid you have a rotten tooth. You think your daddy is
such hot stuff? Well, my daddy is the Jade Emperor, and your daddy has to
listen to and worship my daddy, did you know that?

Crown Prince [livid]: What? You're spewing nonsense! We'll see if you
believe me.if you don't, I'll have my father obliterate nine generations of
your line! [Grabs Jili and hurls him aside. Jili turns around, still
clutching the wine jug]

Jili: So? I'll get my daddy to obliterate 9,981 generations of your line!
What do you think of that?

Crown Prince: Insubordinate!

Jili: Bull! [Searches for the owner] Bring him out here! [Drags out the
unfortunate owner]

Second Prince: Brother, he's just too much. Come out and stop verbally
sparring with him. Just go and hit him. [Drags his brother over]

[The Crown Prince nods and jumps on Jili, wrenching him free from his hold
on the owner and hurling him across the room. They start wrestling and
fighting for standing room on the slippery floor. The Second Prince cheers
his brother on but you can see a shifty and calculating look in his eyes.
It's like he wants his brother to get beaten up and would relish the sight.
The two combatants keep fighting and finally Jili is shoved out the door and
into the dusty streets outside. He lands on his back and seems reluctant to
get up. The Crown Prince is rubbing his hands in glee]

Second Prince: Brother, well fought!

Crown Prince [grinning]: I finally got to make use of my martial arts skills
after all those years of practice.

Second Prince: Brother, let the commoners here see your skills. Go and
attack him again! [Pushes him forward. The Crown Prince attacks Jili with
flying fists and feet and Jili hurriedly gets out of the way. Jili grabs a
length of bamboo to serve as a staff but he's so drunk he can't fight off
the Crown Prince. You can see he's getting thrashed. Luckily, Mulan and
General Li are walking in the city when they spot Jili. General Li hurries
forward and starts to fight the Crown Prince. He does not seem aware of the
identity of Jili's attacker, at least not yet]

Mulan [helping Jili up]: Su Jili! Are you alright? [Jili looks up, sees it's
Mulan, then bolts in the other direction loudly hollering. Mulan chases
after him] Hey, what's the matter?

[Several soldiers are marching in the direction of the battle between
General Li and the Crown Prince. The Marshal spots the Crown Prince and is
alarmed when he sees General Li land a hard blow with the staff]

Marshal: Your Highness, what's the matter?

Crown Prince [to General Li]: I'm the Crown Prince! How dare you lay a hand
on me! [Turns and walks away in a huff while sporting a nice black eye. The
Second Prince shrugs and follows his brother. General Li takes a sigh of
relief. The Marshal walks over to General Li]

Marshal [sternly]: What the heck is going on?

[Cut to jail. Jili is roughly shoved inside a cell, loudly protesting the
whole time]

Jili: Do you know who my boss is? It's the Jade Emperor! If you so much as
harm a hair on my head, you're all dead meat! [Lies back in the straw with a
groan]

[Two fellow prisoners mince over to Jili. Both have wild hair and are
grinning like imbeciles. They act like they are mentally disturbed, probably
from staying in prison too long. They chatter loudly and poke at Jili]

Jili: Don't touch me. I'm not a mortal; I'm an immortal. I'm the Kitchen
God.

First Prisoner: I'm an immortal, too! I'm Empress Nuuwo and he's the Fortune
God.

[Jili starts to shout in fear at the sight of the two grinning fellow
prisoners]

[Cut to Marshal's quarters. He is giving General Li and dressing down. Mulan
is standing behind him]

Marshal: You dare to hit the Crown Prince? You have no fear, do you?

General Li [nonchalant]: He didn't have the words "Crown Prince" etched on
his forehead, so how could I know who he was?

Marshal [sputtering in fury]: You still have the cheek to make a joke of
this?

General Li [protesting]: Uncle, I'm not making a joke. I had to act based on
the situation at the time.

Mulan: That's right, sir. The Crown Prince looked like he was trying to beat
Su Jili to death. If you had been in our shoes, you would have stepped in,
too.

Marshal: You two know the Crown Prince's reputation precedes him. Now that
you've offended him, you're in for a huge peck of trouble! [Stalks off in
frustration]

Mulan: I don't think the Crown Prince will be so petty as to have you
executed for your good intentions, right?

General Li: If the sky is going to rain, or a woman is to be married, or the
Crown Prince wants to kill me, there's nothing I can do about it. I never
imagined that I would survive so many years of bloody battles only to die at
the hands of a damn pipsqueak. [Marshal turns his head when he hears this]
It's the joke of the century.

Marshal: What damn pipsqueak? I forbid you to act disrespectfully towards
the Crown Prince!

General Li: Uncle, when you earlier said his reputation preceded him, was
that acting respectful or not?

Marshal: You.!

Eunuch Gui [walking in]: Marshal, sir!

Marshal: Eunuch Gui. [They both greet each other]

Eunuch Gui: His Highness the Crown Prince wishes to see General Li
immediately!

Mulan [alarmed]: General Li.

Marshal [worried]: What does the Crown Prince intend to do with him?

Eunuch Gui: I really don't know. It's so rare that the Crown Prince gets
very excited about anything, so I did not dare ask!

Mulan: Marshal, sir, the Crown Prince is going to pin the blame for this
incident on General Li. You have to think of some way to save him.

Marshal [glares a bit, then grabs General Li's arm]: Come with me. I will
accompany you to see the Crown Prince. I watched him grow up. Perhaps he
will grant me some quarter once he sees me. Maybe we can shrink this big
mess down to something smaller. [Drags General Li away but he breaks free]

General Li: Uncle, why are you so worried? Even if the Crown Prince decided
to be unreasonable, there is still the Emperor above him. His Majesty has
always been just and fair; he won't let the Crown Prince have his way with
us.

Marshal: The Emperor is away. [bursting in anger] An ocean on the other side of
the world can''t stop your house from burning down! This fire is already singeing your
eyebrows! Why are still denying it exists?

General Li [protesting]: Uncle.

Marshal [ignoring his nephew]: Eunuch Gui, please lead the way. [He and
Eunuch Gui head to the Crown Prince's chambers. Mulan pulls General Li aside
to speak a few words]

Mulan: General Li, sir, please be careful.

General Li [confident]: Don't worry about me. I once had a fortuneteller
read my fortune. He said I would live until the age of eighty. I won't die
so soon. [Strides out the door. Mulan still looks worried and unconvinced]

[Cut to Mulan's barracks. Her troops are sitting on their bunks while Mulan
continuously paces back and forth]

Pudgy: Boss, why don't you sit down and rest for a bit?

Monkey: Yeah, Boss, sit down for a minute. Don't keep.

Mulan [snapping]: I don't want to sit down!

Pudgy: Did your butt develop a boil?

Mulan [slaps him]: You're brain is the one that's got pus! [Starts to look
worried again] General Li went to see the Crown Prince. I don't know if we
will ever see him again. This is one mess without a silver lining. Who knew
that someone born the Crown Prince would act like a common thug on the
street and beat up Su Jili? [Sighs, then straightens up when Colonel Yu
walks in]

Colonel Yu: Lieutenant Hua. [Leans over and whispers in her ear] Hurry up
and pack your things, then come with me.

Mulan [surprised]: What?!

Colonel Yu [low]: Just do it.

Mulan: Can you please tell me what's going on?

Colonel Yu [sarcastic]: You didn't hit the Crown Prince. You needn't worry.
You couldn't possibly come out smelling like roses the way General Li did.

Mulan: Then you're transferring me to another camp?

Pudgy: Colonel Yu, sir, why are you transferring Boss to another camp
without rhyme or reason? [Other soldiers mutter the same thing]

Colonel Yu [sternly]: This is the army! The army has its reasons and
methods.

Mulan [starting to pout]: Then where are you transferring me?

Colonel Yu: Lieutenant Hua, please pack up your stuff and come with me right
away. That's an order.

Mulan [still pouting]: Oh.

[Cut to empty quarters in camp. Colonel Yu leads Mulan inside. There is a
table and lamp inside, with a few books already on the table]

Colonel Yu: Tell me, what do you think of this place? Do you like it? If you
don't like it, I'll find another room for you.

Mulan [surprised]: My room?

Colonel Yu: If it wasn't for my assistance, based on your rank alone you
wouldn't have been able to get your own room so quickly.

Mulan [starts to pout]: In that case, I still owe you a debt of thanks.

Colonel Yu: In future you won't need to grope about in the dark to take a
bath behind the mountain, nor will you have to come in the dead of winter to
my quarters to enjoy a hot water bath. [Notices she doesn't look very happy]
What's the matter? Why aren't you happy?

Mulan: General Li doesn't like people who take the back door.

Colonel Yu [getting irritated]: Why do you think of no one but General Li?
Is there no room for Colonel Yu anymore?

Mulan: You're both my superior officers.

Colonel Yu: Aside from that, then. [Sees Mulan is silent] You don't consider
me your friend anymore, do you? [Mulan looks down at the ground and acts
tongue-tied. Her silence speaks volumes] General Li this and General Li
that! You knew you were two unchaperoned people yet you still went to that
distant garrison with him and spent the night there. You are still a maiden,
you know. Don't you have any sense of shame?

Mulan: General Li and I acted with perfect propriety the whole time.
Besides, I see nothing wrong with sleeping next to him under those
conditions. [Colonel Yu's eyes start to bulge as he hears Mulan's recounting
of her trip with General Li] He even put his hand on my chest and I still
didn't see anything wrong. And that's because General Li has never once
treated me with any wayward thoughts. He doesn't even know I'm a woman.

Colonel Yu [hotly]: You're either ignorant or an idiot. How could you let
him sleep next to you and even... even.[starts blushing] put his hand on your
chest!

Mulan [protesting]: Hey, wait a minute! I'm not your betrothed. I don't see
why you're so concerned.

Colonel Yu: Aren't you even slightly worried and concerned about your
reputation as a woman?

Mulan [scoffs]: What's the big deal about my reputation as a woman? It
doesn't matter since I'm going to stay in the army the rest of my days and
never get married. [Colonel Yu stalks off in frustration] Oh wait, Brother
Yu!

Colonel Yu [impatient]: What is it?

Mulan: Um. I think I'd best go by the book on this. I can't accept this
room. I appreciate the good intentions but I still need to refuse.

Colonel Yu [mad again]: The bottom line is I don't want you sleeping in the
same room as all those swines. If you don't listen to me, I won't let
you stay in the army. [Storms off]

Mulan [muttering]: So unreasonable.

[Cut to sitting room where General Li and the Marshal are waiting for the
arrival of the Crown Prince. General Li is standing at attention but doesn't
look worried at all while the Marshal is nervously pacing back and forth]

Marshal: When their Highnesses come in the room, watch every word you say.
Keep your head down don't say anything unless absolutely necessary, do you
understand?

[Eunuch Gui announces the arrival of the two princes. General Li and the
Marshal kneel as the two princes enter the room. The Crown Prince has a
beautiful black eye, which he rubs gingerly now and then]

Marshal: Your humble servants greet your Highnesses. May you live a thousand
years! [Parallels the greeting reserved for the Emperor, which calls for
living ten thousand years]

Crown Prince [waves his hand]: Rise. No need for any hot air; no one on
earth can live a thousand years, anyway. I'll be content to live a hundred
years only.

[General Li and the Marshal rise to their feet. The Second Prince starts to
berate them]

Second Prince: How dare you hit my royal brother! How could you mistake him
for anyone of lowly lineage? How do you think I should punish you?

Marshal [bowing]: Your Highnesses, please calm down. My nephew is the only
living branch left in the Li family. On behalf of my many years of service,
please have mercy on us and pardon him from this death sentence.

Second Prince: Pardon his execution? That can be arranged. Eunuch Gui?

Eunuch Gui [bows]: Your Highness?

Second Prince: Does the palace need any more eunuchs? I'm sure we can find
something for him to do there.

Eunuch Gui [bows]: Yes, your Highness.

Marshal [shocked]: Your Highness, please have mercy! [Drops to his knees]

General Li [unperturbed and getting annoyed]: Uncle! It is a pretty good job
to serve as a eunuch.

Marshal [agape]: What are you talking about?

General Li: As long as I get to live, what does it matter that I'm a eunuch?

Second Prince [sneering]: Cowardly and afraid to die. Brother, I suggest we
grant him his wish. Castrate him.

Crown Prince [surprised]: Castrate him?

Marshal [panicking]: Your Highness, please have mercy! [General Li remains
impassive and unafraid]

Crown Prince [walks up to General Li and looks in his eyes]: Don't you think
it would be a waste of talent to castrate someone like General Li? Wouldn't
that go against divine intentions?

Second Prince [protesting]: Brother!

Crown Prince [holds up his hand]: I've always admired men of honor and
courage who do not act for personal gain. If it weren't for you, I would
never have found out my martial arts skills were so poor.

General Li [humbly]: Your Highness, you praise me too highly. If it weren't
for you, I would never have found out that no matter how good my martial
arts skills, it would have been useless for certain cases.

Crown Prince [laughs at the joke and pats General Li's shoulder]: General
Li, you are really something. You're really something.

Second Prince: Brother, your magnanimity is beyond that of common folks. I
commend you.

Crown Prince [still laughing]: This is such fun.

[Cut to courtyard outside General Li's quarters. Mulan is waiting for
General Li to come out from his meeting with the princes. She is trying to
keep warm and starts to do jumping jacks and other exercises to keep her
blood moving. General Li comes outside, sees her flailing around, and
approaches her. She doesn't see him until the last minute and jumps visibly
in surprise]

General Li: It's late. What are you doing here running and jumping around
for?

Mulan [looks warily at him, then reaches over and taps his chin]: Oh good!
You have a chin. You can't be a ghost then.

General Li [puzzled]: What's that for?

Mulan: My mother used to tell me that ghosts don't have chins.

General Li: So, you insult me by calling me a ghost? Rrrr.[playfully attacks
her and she dodges him]

Mulan [embarrassed]: That's not what I meant. I thought the Crown Prince
executed you and your spirit was discontent. I figured it would come here to
your quarters to look around.

General Li: Are you convinced I'm real then?

Mulan: You were gone so long I was worried that something had happened to
you.

General Li [putting hand on her shoulder]: The Crown Prince insisted on
having me stay for dinner and having some drinks. I couldn't easily get away
until now.

Mulan: Oh, you stayed to have dinner and some drinks. [Realizing what he
said] What?! You beat him up like that and he wasn't mad at you? He even
asked to you stay?

General Li: The Crown Prince isn't as unreasonable as gossip says. True, he
is a bit of a playboy, but underneath it all he's really (zhong1 hou4;
honest) upright.

Mulan: Oh. Well, I won't interrupt your rest, then. I'm pretty tired myself,
plus I need to get up early in the morning. [Starts to leave]

General Li: Oh, Mulan. You needn't get up tomorrow morning for early
exercises.

Mulan: Why not?

General Li: Go into the city and deliver a military letter to the Wei Gate
instead.

Mulan [shakes her head]: Get someone else to deliver the letter. All I need
is to get some sleep and I'll be bright-eyed and bushy tailed again. You
wouldn't want others to say you used public power for private benefit,
right? I'm off. [Heads off to her room, leaving General Li smiling]

[Cut to the jail. Jili is leaning against the bars to the cell]

Jili: Why.why am I such an unlucky immortal? [The two insane prisoners in
his cell bounce over]

First Prisoner: Kitchen God, which camp are you from?

Second Prisoner [pawing Jili]: Kitchen God, why don't you become the Empress
Nuuwo?

Jili [roughly shoves them]: Go screw yourself! I'm not in the mood! Scram!

[Both prisoners hit the ground and then scramble to their feet. They drag
Jili's legs and then proceed to bite him on the legs like wild animals. He
hollers in pain but they won't let go]

[Cut to barracks. Jili is stretched out on his bunk and a fellow soldier is
applying medicine to his wounds. Jili grimaces as the medicine burns. Mulan
walks in and spots Jili]

Mulan: Jili.

Jili [pushes away Mulan's hand]: I don't know you! I've been good to you yet
you left me locked up with those two nuts. You're no longer my friend!

Mulan: If I hadn't told the Crown Prince and Marshal that you were insane,
do you think they would have left you off so easily? I did it for your own
good.

General Li [sternly]: Lieutenant Hua. You covered for this damn pipsqueak?
Do you realize the punishment for lying to the Crown Prince and Marshal?

Jili: This is no business of yours! Stay out of it!

Soldier: Su Jili! You really must be insane! How dare you talk to General Li
like that!

Mulan: General Li, sir, hand him to me.

General Li: To you?

Mulan: Yes, sir. He isn't insane, but he's also not a normal person. He's
only misguided. He wanted to become a better warrior and ended up learning
the black arts. It addled his mind somewhat. I'm his commanding officer.
It's my responsibility to fix him. If he transgresses again, then you can
punish us both.

Jili: I don't need you to treat me so well. I really don't.

[Cut to barracks late at night. Mulan is sitting next to Jili. She taps his
shoulder]

Mulan: Hey, why did you run into the city and raise hell like that? What got
into you?

Jili [pouting]: You should talk. It's all your fault this happened.

Mulan [laughs]: What?

[A bright flash of light appears and the Outhouse Goddess materializes. She
is directly behind Mulan so only Jili can see her]

Jili [spotting the Outhouse Goddess]: You damned bitch!

Mulan [slaps him]: Whom are you calling a damned bitch?

Jili [to Mulan]: I wasn't calling you a damned bitch. I was calling my
mother that.

Mulan [slaps him again]: Why are you calling your mother that?

Jili: If my mother hadn't given birth to me, I wouldn't have to be stuck in
the mortal realms and suffer such indignities.

Mulan [sighs]: That's how life is. You get the joy and sorrow and everything
in between. You can only control your own reactions to it. Why blame your
mother? [The Outhouse Goddess rematerializes right next to Mulan]

Outhouse Goddess: He's just conning you. Don't fall for it.

Mulan [turns around]: Who said that? [Jili springs up and starts shoving the
Outhouse Goddess. Mulan can't see her so it looks like Jili is swatting the
empty air in front of him]

Outhouse Goddess [shoves back]: Hey, men and women who are unrelated
shouldn't touch each other. Stop putting your hands on my chest!

Jili: If you don't get out of here right away, I'm going to head back to heaven and report you. I'll say you ate my Celestial Peach. [The Outhouse Goddess sniffs then disappears. Mulan looks at Jili in concern, then grabs his finger and starts crushing it. You can hear the "crrkkk" of his joints] Hey, what are you doing?

Mulan [grimacing from the effort]: Begone, evil spirit! Now, are you mortal or immortal?

Jili [crying]: I'm a mortal... hurry up and let go, my name is Su Jili, you're going to break my finger.[Mulan lets go and he starts to blow on his hurt finger]

Mulan: You were spouting nonsense again.[thinks a bit] Oh.you've been hiding out on me, haven't you? You've been practicing those sorcerer arts again behind my back, right?

Jili: I haven't. Ever since I promised you I wouldn't dabble in the black arts again I've kept my promise.

Mulan: So.you won't tell me the truth. In that case, from this day forth you are no longer my friend! [Turns and stalks from tent]

Jili [calling after her]: Stupid wench!

Mulan [stops and turns around]: What did you call me?

Jili: Stupid wench.

[Mulan hurries over and puts her hand on his mouth, then drags him outside. She takes to a secluded part of the camp. She has a hand on his ear and is twisting it to get his attention]

Mulan: Su Jili! You've peeked at me while I was bathing behind the mountain, right?

Jili [cringing]: I wanted to peek, but... ow [Mulan twists his ear again] I didn't. Really, I didn't!

Mulan: If you didn't peek at me when I was bathing, then how did you know I'm a woman?

Jili [still grimacing]: Colonel Yu told me.

Mulan [shouts in his ear]: You're lying! Brother Yu would never sell me out! If you don't tell me the truth, I'll keep twisting until I rip off your ear! [Pulls even harder and Jili's eyes start to bug out]

Jili [grimacing]: Please, just let go first and we'll talk. [Mulan roughly lets go and Jili starts to rub his aching ear]

Mulan: Now! The truth!

Jili: Well, I once went to Colonel Yu's quarters and accidentally overheard your conversations. [Gingerly rubs his ear. Mulan gets a scared expression on her face] Really, I think it's too dangerous for you to stay in the army with all these men. It's really too dangerous for you to stay here. I think you should follow Yu Chenen's advice and leave the army.

Mulan [irritated]: I don't need you to worry about my business! [Storms off but Jili grabs her arm]

Jili: Wait. All the men in camp, except for yours truly, are descended from lewd insects. Do you realize how lonely and grinding life is in the army? If they found out you're a woman. [narrows eyes] they'd probably turn you into a camp prostitute. What a frightening thought.

Mulan: I'm not scared!

Jili: You're not scared of being a prostitute?

Mulan: The army is not filled with bad people! There are tons of good men. Like Brother Yu, General Li, General Zhao, the Marshal.they're all great and brave men. Don't you go calling them beasts!

Jili: But this is for your own good!

Mulan: Brother Yu says it's for my own good, you're saying it's for my own good, everyone is saying it's for my own good, but I don't know what's for my own good. If you really want what's best for me you'll let me have a good long time to think through what is really good for me, understand? (The Chinese uses the word "hao," or "good," about eight times, which makes a very funny pun. I can't reproduce it completely in English but you get the drift) I'm telling you now, stop butting into my business. Take care of your own business first! If I ever catch you messing with spells again I'll never speak to you again! [Grabs his chin and forces him to look in her
eyes] Regarding my secret, there really isn't much to talk about. You have two options. One, you can report me. Two, you can play dumb regarding it. [Jili moves his mouth but makes no noise (implying he will play dumb?) and Mulan smiles, then puts her arm around his shoulder as they walk away] Smart
boy.

[Cut to Mulan's quarters. She is in her pajamas and asleep on the bench with a book in her hand. Jili tiptoes inside with the Stupor-Inducing Flag]

Jili [to himself]: This is too easy. [Limps over towards Mulan then addresses the flag] I've washed you all nice and clean now. You should work fine now. I promise I won't use you to blow my nose or wipe my eyes anymore. Please be good and don't spit black smoke thank you.
[The flag quivers in response as if it is warming up] Good.

[Jili limps closer to Mulan and starts to sniff her up and down]

Jili: Her eyes are closed. How am I going to capture her soul? (Eyes are the window to the soul?) No matter, I'll give it a try anyway. [He chants some magic words and a bright ball of light flows from Mulan, representing her soul. Jili watches it roam around] Oh oh, I forgot to shut my eyes. [The ball of light hits Jili on the forehead and another light washes over
Mulan's inert body. Their souls have swapped bodies. Jili's body falls to the ground asleep while Mulan's body jumps awake]

Mulan's body [stands and looks over her body; Jili's voice comes from her body]: This shell is pretty nice! [Starts to rub her butt as if getting used to a new body, then feels her breasts and is about to start opening her pajamas when she slaps herself] Nasty one! Hey, why am I hitting that stupid wench's body? Shouldn't I hit my own body? [Walks to Jili's body and kicks it gleefully a few times, then walks out the door]

[Cut to Colonel Yu's quarters. He is shaking out his blanket and preparing for bed when a knock is heard]

Chenen: Who is it?

[Remember that Jili is in Mulan's body. From this point onward, he uses Mulan's voice]

Mulan: It's me, Mulan.

Chenen: Come in.

[Mulan opens the door and enters, or rather, sashays inside with a flower gripped in her teeth. She looks like a flamenco dancer the way she is fluttering her eyelids. She leans against a post and removes the flower from her mouth]

Mulan: Brother Yu, haven't you gone to bed yet? [Flutters eyelids some more]

Chenen [looks at her in concern]: What's wrong with your eyes?

Mulan [sashays over and looks flirtatiously into Chenen's eyes. She presents the flower she is holding, a chrysanthemum, for him to smell]: Does it smell nice?

Chenen [rolls eyes and turns away]: You came to my quarters his late at night
just to ask me if this flower is fragrant?

Mulan [dramatically posing against the wall]: If the flower (in Chinese, "hua") is fragrant or not is a small matter. The bigger question: is Hua Mulan fragrant or not? [Sees Chenen is dumbstruck, so she parades over] Brother Yu, do you think I have a pleasing scent?

Chenen [blows her off]: What are you doing? Why are you doing this?

Mulan [coquettishly]: Truthfully, ever since the day I met you I've... [leans on his shoulder andgazes like a lovesick girl into his eyes] not had good feelings for you. [Sees Chenen's puzzlement] I mean, I've had romantic feelings for you.

Chenen [pushes her away]: Stop teasing, will you?

Mulan [rushes over and throws her arms around him from behind]: Brother Yu!

Chenen [shocked]: What? What in the name of all the gods?!

Mulan [still hugging him]: I'm not teasing! I love you truly!

Chenen [stammering]: No, wait, first put your hands down.

Mulan [not letting go]: I beg of you, take my hand in marriage!

Chenen [tries to free himself from her grip]: What on earth are you doing? Are you mad?

Mulan: I refuse to let go! You must first grant my wish!

Chenen [finally breaks free of her grasp]: What was that all about? Have you no shame?

Mulan [bats her eyes some more]: Actually. I really quite like you. I realize that it's a bit sudden the way I decided to profess my love for you. But I had to tell you because I can't contain it anymore. You know I care for you. But you never gave me any encouragement. Are we doomed to play guessing games the rest of our lives? Brother Yu, life in the army is really
too difficult. [She starts trying to seduce Chenen and he looks like an animal caught in a trap. Mulan slowly forces him to the bed] You know, I really regret joining the army in my father's place. I've thought about taking your advice to just go home. [Pushes him so he is prone on the bed and she continues to lean on him] But when I think of the fact that I'll never see you again, I cannot bear it! Brother Yu, I have a pleasing body. Take a good look. [Leans onto him even more and Chenen cringes visibly] I realize men often have several wives. [Starts to caress his cheek lovingly] I know that if you took my hand in marriage, that one day you'd come across a woman you truly love, but I wouldn't mind, I really wouldn't! I want us to be married immediately! You could give me my discharge papers tomorrow. [Getting excited] Our time in this world is brief! Let's start our wedding night now!

[Chenen jumps out of bed and bolts, leaving Mulan sprawling. She gets up and tries to catch him]

Mulan: Come on, there's no time to waste! [Chenen grabs a teacup of water and throws it on Mulan's face. Jili's spirit leaves her body]

Chenen [scolding]: Have you absolutely no shame at all?

Mulan [wiping away the water in puzzlement]: Brother Yu? [Looks around] What am I doing here? And why am I all wet?

Chenen: Are you alright?

Mulan: I have no idea what's going on. I could have sworn I was asleep in my room. Why am I here now and...

Chenen [looks away]: You ran in here earlier and started spouting nonsense.[Looks at Mulan] Then you started to drag me to...

Mulan: Drag you to do what?

Chenen: You... tried to drag me to the bed. [Mulan starts to blush furiously] You mean you truly don't remember all the nonsense you were spouting earlier?

Mulan: What did I say?

Chenen: You kept lustfully embracing me and professing your love. Then you asked me to take you for my wife. [Mulan starts to look as if she wants the ground to swallow her up]

Mulan: Brother Yu, that scandelous person you saw earlier wasn't me! [Thinks for a bit] I must have been possessed! That's it! I must have been possessed. [Runs out the door]

Chenen: Wait! [To himself] Possessed?