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Li Liang: That shouldn't happen. You shouldn't be doing that. Let me demonstrate. [He performs the tricky section of the routine easily] Try again. [Mulan has come to watch, her eyes wide with interest. She is perched behind a bale of straw. The Crown Prince tries the routine again but again messes up on the foot sweep. He brushes himself off as he gingerly gets to his feet]
Crown Prince: I still can't do it. I don't want to practice anymore. It's too hard. [His eyes light up when he gets an idea] Let's go soak at the spa! That really feels good! Are you coming? [Li Liang shakes his head] Well, if you're not coming I'm going. [Leaves the room. Mulan comes forward and sighs loudly]
Mulan: No pain, no gain. How can you expect to improve without difficult practice?
Li Liang: The Crown Prince has been brought up in the lap of luxury and treated like he's made of gold. It is a bit much to ask him to suffer for the sake of learning.
Mulan [sighs again]: That's really a shame.
Li Liang: What's a shame?
Mulan [gets a conspiratorial look]: I think if the Second Prince and Crown Prince could exchange places, then things would be a lot better.
Li Liang: How so?
Mulan [eagerly]: Simple. The Crown Prince seems to only concern himself with having a good time. When he ascends the throne, how will he manage the country? But the Second Prince is different. He is close and caring of his subjects. He is down-to-earth. Also, he's strong yet gentle and has met many people. With him as Emperor, I'm sure he'd do a better job than the Crown Prince will.
Li Liang: You're wrong.
Mulan [pointing at herself]: I'm wrong?
Li Liang: Yes. The Crown Prince may be much more frivolous in some ways, but he is kind and caring. He won't hurt people. But the Second Prince is as deep as the ocean. He's tried every way he can to curry favor from me. I'm sure he has ulterior motives. With him, his friendly demeanor is only a front for others to see. If he were to ascend the throne, I don't know how many heads would roll.
Mulan [pouting]: On what basis do you believe the Second Prince is a petty and vindictive person?
Li Liang [grinning]: Based on me…and my famous piercing vision, I can see into a person's soul! [Points at Mulan but she deflects his "qi"] Well, you can believe me or not. [Walks off]
Mulan [smugly to herself]: I don't believe your eyes are that perceptive. You haven't even been able to figure out that I'm actually a woman.
[Cut to a cleanup crew in camp. Mulan's platoon is picking up baskets and hoes to start the day's work. She is helping distribute the gear when General Li walks up]
Mulan [surprised]: General Li, sir, you've come also?
General Li: The work here has been progressing too slowly, so I decided to come here personally and encourage the men to work with a greater will.
Mulan [smiling]: That's great! We can work and chat about world events at the same time; it'll make the time pass more quickly.
Jili: What's that supposed to mean? Are you saying that working and chatting with me is boring and the time drags? I can discuss world events with you, too. That's no problem.
Mulan [muttering]: You don't know beans. Every time I discuss such topics you either can't understand it or you keep nodding off. [Pastes on a smile again for General Li]
Jili: Well, I may not know world events, but I know other-worldly events quite well (in Chinese, world events is literally "events that happen under the sky," i.e.-on earth, while other-worldly is "events above the sky," i.e.-heavenly). For example, I know all the happenings for the gods and goddesses in heaven. I know that stuff like the back of my hand.
Mulan [scoffing]: Baloney!
Jili [protesting]: No, really. I'm telling you the truth. You can test me on this. Let's start with Empress Wangmu. She is the daughter of Celestial King Yuanzhi and Lady Wangzi. [He rambles on a bit while Mulan tries to patiently put up with his ramblings] And she's in charge of all the goddesses of the mortal and immortal realms. Now, the Jade Emperor…
Mulan [interrupting impatiently]: You're telling us all this stuff but we have no idea if it's real or not.
Jili: But I'm telling the truth.
Mulan: It may be real or it may be false; all I know is I have absolutely no interest in what's going on in the immortal realms.
General Li: Well, we'd best get started. Let's head out. [He puts his arm around Mulan's shoulder and they start leaving. Seeing this, Jili protests]
Jili: General, sir, you need to be more dignified!
General Li [mystified]: How have I been undignified?
Jili: Why is your left arm draped across his left shoulder?
General Li: He's not a woman; what's the problem with leaning on his shoulder?
Jili: What is that all about…[Wants to protest further but Mulan shoots him a warning look]
[Sergeant Huang comes running in, calling for Mulan]
Sergeant Huang [salutes General Li first]: Lieutenant Hua, Colonel Yu has just returned from the capital. He wants to see you. I said you were over here and about to set out. He sounded very displeased at the news. [Mulan starts to pout at the news]
General Li: Lieutenant Hua, you're one of Colonel Yu's men. You'd best go to him immediately. This isn't your responsibility here, so in future, you'd best not come here again, lest you make him mad.
Sergeant Huang: Exactly.
General Li: Go now. He may have something urgent he needs to discuss with you.
Mulan: General Li, sir, I'll take my leave then. [Still pouting, Mulan heads off with Sergeant Huang]
General Li: Let's head out. [Jili snickers slightly and grins at Mulan's discomfort]
[Cut to a fence Mulan's troops are helping to erect. Jili is taking a short break from the work and gingerly rubs his hands, then leans against the fence to try and sneak a catnap. General Li roughly grabs his collar and shakes him]
General Li [sternly]: Trying to shirk again, eh? Get back to work.
Jili [whining]: Can't I even take a little break?
General Li: Out of all these men, you're the one that shirks the most. I'll punish you if I catch you shirking again. [Turns and leaves]
Jili [mutters]: You're picking on me just because I'm close to Mulan.
For your information, I discovered Mulan's good points before you did.
If you annoy me anymore, be careful that I don't…[he turns his head and
is greeted with a log in the face from a
fellow workman who was careless]
Workman: Oh, sorry. So sorry… [Jili grimaces in pain and looks like he's about to start to cry]
[Cut to barracks. General Li is wrestling five soldiers at the same time. It's a different form of wrestling. It looks like it consists of trying to stay on your feet while everyone else is trying to pull you down. The soldiers that aren't participating are loudly cheering the others on. Mulan is also loudly cheering, urging on General Li]
Mulan: Give it your all, General Li! Careful! Give it your all!
[Colonel Yu walks in and sees Mulan cheering. He gets a displeased look on his face and approaches Mulan]
Colonel Yu: What's all the commotion about?
Mulan: General Li made a bet with these soldiers. The loser has to crawl underneath the winner's hip (how the heck that is supposed to work is beyond me).
Colonel Yu [shortly]: How droll. [Mulan gives him a glare, then resumes her cheering. He tries to pull her away] Come on. Let's go. There's nothing worth seeing here.
Mulan [jerks her arm away]: Stop pulling me. We haven't figured out the winner and loser. We'll leave after it's all settled. [She continues to loudly cheer for General Li. After a bit more jostling, General Li manages to shake free the other five soldiers and send them sprawling. He helps Monkey to his feet]
General Li: No hard feelings, right? [Monkey shakes his head and gingerly walks off]
Mulan [to Colonel Yu]: Didn't I tell you that General Li was sure to win? I don’t think anyone in this camp can beat him.
Colonel Yu [sneering]: Of course he's going to win, picking on soldiers with only mediocre martial arts skills.
Mulan [casually]: You think you can defeat him?
Colonel Yu [taking the challenge]: Wait and see. [To General Li] General Li, I'd like to test your footwork. Let's have a match in foot-wrestling.
Monkey: Great. Colonel Yu, maybe you can avenge us.
General Li: I'm only so-so with foot-wrestling. Will everyone please step aside first? After you.
Colonel Yu: After you. [They get into their stances and Colonel Yu attacks first, grabbing General Li's chest armor. General Li does the same to Colonel Yu and they start trying to wrestle each other to the ground. It looks a little like Indian wrestling. Everyone starts cheering the match. Mulan is loudly cheering for General Li. After a bit of tussling, General Li manages to get an armlock on Colonel Yu. Try as he might, Colonel Yu cannot break free of General Li's grip. Seeing his vain struggles, Mulan comes forward]
Mulan: Colonel Yu, looks like you've lost. You'd best surrender. [Colonel Yu glares at Mulan in rage, but she doesn't seem to notice. General Li lets go of Colonel Yu and breaks into a grin]
General Li: This was all in good fun, right? No hard feelings. [He turns around and much to everyone's surprise, Colonel Yu attacks General Li and manages to land a punch and a few hard kicks. The other soldiers hurry to General Li's side since he is prone on the ground, while Mulan angrily shoves Colonel Yu away from General Li]
Mulan: How can you cheat like that?
Colonel Yu [belligerently]: Why not? I didn't surrender and I didn't stop the match. He's the one that lost.
Mulan [angry]: You…[Turns and kneels by General Li] General Li, are you injured badly?
General Li [through gritted teeth]: It's nothing major.
Mulan [gets back to her feet and scolds Colonel Yu]: Look at you! Just to win you stooped to such lows. [She turns to her soldiers] Take General Li to the camp doctor. [Colonel Yu still looks mad, especially since Mulan's scolding seems to have struck a nerve. As the soldiers leave with Mulan, she turns and shoots Colonel Yu an angry glare]
[Cut to the main gate to the camp. Mulan is about to leave when she is stopped by the two guards at the gate]
Guard: Do you have a pass?
Mulan [showing a wooden pass]: Colonel Yu sent me on an errand. This is his pass. [The guards let her through. Jili is following her, but the guards stop him]
Guard: Do you have a pass?
Jili: Um…actually, I'm with Lieutenant Hua. I had to go use the outhouse to make a deposit, that's why I'm late.
Guard: If you don't have a pass you don't leave.
Jili: You must be kidding. If I wanted to leave you couldn't stop me. [He barks at them a few times, then turns around and heads back to the barracks. He goes inside] Can you believe that? They wouldn't' let me out. [He crawls under his bunk and pulls out his Invisibility Umbrella. Opening it, he chants the spell] Oh la la… [He becomes a shimmering image of himself, which signifies he is now invisible. He walks out the gate without the guards noticing and then starts running to catch up to Mulan] Hurry. I must hurry to catch up. [He catches his foot on a rock and goes sprawling with a loud splat. Hearing the noise behind her, Mulan turns to look but doesn't see anyone. She resumes her journey, while Jili is on his back] Mulan…Mulan wait up.
[Cut to city street. Mulan is at a vendor's stall purchasing several items. Jili is hiding and spying on Mulan]
Jili: What on earth is she doing?
[Mulan pays the vendor for her purchases, then starts heading off to do more shopping. As she shops, Jili keeps following her, first hiding in a vendor's large cookpot (don’t ask me why; the guy's weird), then hiding from a tree, and finally hiding from a well. Mulan finally sits down at a food stall]
Mulan: I'd like a bowl of tea! [Jili plunks down next to her and she shoots him a warning look]
Jili: Why do you need so much meat and medicines?
Mulan [through narrowed eyes]: You've been following me?
Jili: No, I'm not following me, I'm just curious why you left camp.
Mulan: I'm also curious how you managed to leave camp.
Jili: So…you really do have designs on Li Liang. You're in heat, isn't that right? [Mulan doesn't say anything and her expression doesn't change, but she throws a right cross that catches Jili square in the face. He shakes his head to clear it] If you hit me again, then I'll report that you stole Colonel Yu's pass. [This time, Mulan starts to thrash him thoroughly. When she is finished, she gives him a final warning]
Mulan: We'll see if you dare follow me again! [She turns on her heel and leaves Jili in the wreckage of a bamboo steamer]
Jili: Why does she insist on hurting me like this?
[Cut to mess kitchen. Mulan is toting a large bundle of medicinal herbs and approaches an older soldier that is watching a large vat of water boil]
Mulan: Uncle Ma (honorable title), I'd like to borrow your stovetop.
Uncle Ma: I can't do that. It's almost mealtime and I need to use it.
Mulan: Um…I don't suppose you heard that General Li got injured?
Uncle Ma: Is that so?
Mulan: Yes, it's true. I wanted to make some healing broth for him.
Uncle Ma: Oh, so you came here on behalf of General Li. Go right ahead and use it then.
Mulan: Thank you.
[The next scene shows Mulan fanning the flames for a small clay pot. She doesn't notice Jili peeking in at the doorway. He walks over and leans over next to her. She eyes him narrowly]
Jili: You're making healing broth for General Li? Here, let me help you. [He reaches for the fan Mulan is using but she swats his hand away]
Mulan: You? You're not so nice as that. If you have free time you would much rather go take a nap.
Jili: I want to thank you for helping me out of a muddle today, so I'm here to lend a hand. [He tries reaching for the fan again but Mulan swats his hand away a second time]
Mulan [relenting]: Watch the fire.
Jili: You mean I can help you by just watching the fire? [Mulan continues to fan the flames]
Mulan: Just cut the small talk and watch the fire. [Jili starts to look at the flames, then he notices Mulan has a dreamy smile on her face. He wonders what she sees that is so engrossing, so he also starts to stare into the fire]
[Cut to front door to General Li's quarters. Jili is carrying a tray with the broth on it, while Mulan is leading the way. As they approach the door, they hear a loud groan coming from inside. In fear, Mulan and Jili rush inside, only to see a soldier helping General Li sit up. He is groaning from his earlier injuries but otherwise looks in good shape]
Mulan [sighing in relief]: Oh dear. I thought you were in some kind of critical danger the way you were groaning.
Li Liang: Every time I move it hurts.
Mulan [softening]: Let me do that. [The soldier leaves the room and Mulan helps Li Liang sit up] Is that better? [Li Liang nods his head] I made some healing broth for you. It will do your wounds some good. [She turns to Jili but he is glaring at her. Wordlessly, he hands over the bowl of broth to Mulan. She takes it and starts to spoon feed Li Liang] Careful, it's hot.
Jili [muttering]: Humph! Even a wife taking care of her husband isn't that warm and doting.
Mulan [turns around with a warning voice]: What did you say?
Jili: I said, you are good with brains and brawn. You can handle both the rough stuff and delicate duties. Neither masculine nor feminine…
Mulan [snapping]: What nonsense are you talking about?!
Jili: I'm not…I have not had much of an education, so I don’t know how to be eloquent. Sometimes, you act very manly and gung-ho about things. Other times, you're like a young lady and very gentle and caring. You're really a special person.
Mulan [at a loss for words]: You…
Li Liang [getting interested]: You know…he has a point.
Mulan [whispers to Jili warningly]: You don't know how to speak well, so shut up. Bring the noodles over.
[Jili picks up the bowl of noodles and is about to hand it to Mulan when he deliberately tips it over onto the floor]
Mulan [angrily]: What are you doing?
Jili [placatingly]: I'm sorry…I didn't do that on purpose. [Starts to gently slap his hands as if he's punishing them] Bad hands…
Li Liang: Forget about it. I'm not hungry anyway. [Mulan looks at Li Liang, then she turns to Jili]
Mulan: I need to talk to you outside for a minute. [She shoves him out the door then starts to scold him] I know you did that on purpose. Get out. [She shoves him further away from the door, then shuts them in his face. She returns to Li Liang, who is still sitting up in his bed] Su Jili is really a strange person. You needn't pay him any mind. Here, you should lie down and get some rest. [She helps him lie down again. He groans loudly but eventually is lying down]
[Cut to edge of camp. Colonel Yu is sitting on a rock and drinking himself into a stupor. He angrily dashes the wine jug against the rocks at his feet and looks to be in a foul temper]
[The next scene shows him in the mess hall. He is drinking out of another jug of wine and his face is flushed. The soldiers of Mulan's platoon see him approach and look worried at his demeanor. Colonel Yu staggers over and puts his hand on Monkey's shoulder]
Monkey [standing up]: Colonel Yu, sir, you're looking for Boss (Mulan)?
Colonel Yu: Where is he?
Monkey: I know where he is. From dawn to dusk he's been at General Li's side, feeding him his food and broth. He is at his side even when he's bathing and using the outhouse. They genuinely seem two halves of a whole. He doesn't even have time to eat anymore. [Colonel Yu angrily moves away and takes another swig from his wine jug] We fellow soldiers really feel for Boss when we see him that way. [Pudgy gives him a warning shake but Monkey refuses to take the hint. He is genuinely enjoying egging on Colonel Yu] Boss seems to have started to pine away after this incident with General Li. It's a good thing Boss isn't a woman, otherwise General Li would have to make him Lady Li in gratitude for all he's done for him. It would be a match made in heaven. [Colonel Yu angrily grabs Monkey's collar, then shoves him aside. He then dashes the wine jug against the table in anger, then storms out of the mess hall]
Pudgy [grabbing Monkey by the collar]: You know how he hates it when Boss spends time with General Li, yet you had to go egg him on like that. [Roughly lets him go]
Monkey: When I see Colonel Yu and Boss together, and then throw in General Li, it looks like a love triangle with all that jealousy floating around. Boss is luckier than any woman to have two men fight over him.
Pudgy [grabbing Monkey's collar again]: I'm warning you. If you make Boss the butt of your jokes again, I'm going to cook your goose! [Drops him roughly onto the bench]
[Cut to Mulan's quarters. She enters and spots Colonel Yu sprawled on her bed]
Mulan: What are you doing here?
Colonel Yu [drunkenly]: Mulan.
Mulan [disgusted]: You've been drinking, haven't you?
Colonel Yu [standing up and reeling]: Marry me. I want you to marry me.
Mulan [frowning]: Who would want to marry you?
Colonel Yu [grabs her shoulders]: You have to marry me. [She breaks free of his grip and shoves him away]
Mulan: What on earth are you doing? What are you talking about? Get out! I want to rest now. Leave now.
Colonel Yu: Let me ask you a question. Are you or are you not going to marry me?
Mulan: No, I won't!
Colonel Yu [slurring his words]: Have…have you fallen for Li Liang?
Mulan [uncomfortably]: Stop talking nonsense.
Colonel Yu: I'm not talking nonsense! A blind man could see that you've fallen for Li Liang.
Mulan [shoves him away]: Get out! Get out now! [Colonel Yu pushes Mulan onto her bed, but then she uses her foot to push him away]
Colonel Yu: You must have fallen for that dumb ox. Every time I see that lustful expression in your eyes, it only confirms it. It's always "General Li is good" and "General Li is brave." you'd say his flatulence was fragrant. [He staggers and his legs crumple underneath him. Mulan comes over to help him to his feet again]
Mulan: Brother Yu, you've had too much to drink. Go back to your quarters and sleep it off. [She tries to help him out the door but he pushes her away]
Colonel Yu: Swear to me that you don’t care for him at all and that you have absolutely no feelings for him? Can you swear to that?
Mulan [pouting]: Why should I swear to that? [She starts to look unsure of herself and her feelings]
Colonel Yu: Oh…so you don't dare swear, eh? Then that means you have a guilty conscience.
Mulan [starts shoving him away]: That's enough! I don't want to hear anymore and I don't want to see you. Leave now!
Colonel Yu: Give it up. Li Liang will never fall for you. He has always looked upon you as a man. What he feels for you is just the strong friendships that form between men. Stop dreaming and mooning for what cannot be.
Mulan [puts her hands over her ears and yells]: That's enough! I don’t want to listen anymore! Get out, do you hear?
Colonel Yu [holding her tightly from behind]: I must marry you! I won't let you fall in love with Li Liang! [Mulan struggles to free herself from his grip but he is stronger than she is] I will make you forget this infatuation! I must marry you and make you my wife! [He leans in and tries to kiss Mulan but she keeps pushing him away. She finally manages to shove him off her. As he tries to grab her again, she dodges and grabs the wash basin. She throws its contents into Colonel Yu's face, temporarily stunning him]
Mulan: I never thought you were a person like this! [She turns and runs out of her quarters, leaving Colonel Yu dazed and ashamed when he realizes what he has done]
[Cut to General Li's quarters. Mulan has run inside and is sniffling in front of General Li, who is lying in bed awake]
Mulan [sniffling]: General Li…
General Li: Mulan, what's the matter? [Mulan doesn't reply but keeps sniffling] Silly child, the camp doctor already said I'm not going to die from this. It's late. You'd best go back to your room and get some rest.
Mulan: I… do you mind if I spend the night here?
General Li [surprised]: What?
Mulan [wipes away her tears]: You can't move. You need someone at your side to take care of you.
General Li: My servant only went to use the outhouse. He'll be back shortly.
Mulan [walks over to General Li's bedside]: Send him away. I'll stay and take care of you.
General Li: Well, suit yourself.
Mulan [quietly]: Thank you.
General Li: How can you say that? I should be the one saying "Thank you," not you. [A dog's barking sounds are heard outside the door]
Mulan: Let me go check that out. [She steps outside and sees Jili on all fours, barking and tussling with an imaginary chew toy. Mulan sneaks up behind him and barks gruffly. He starts to whimper like a weaker dog in the presence of a dominant dog] What are you doing? Why are you here making weird noises at this hour of the night?
Jili: Well, what are you doing here in the middle of the night? [Nods towards General Li's quarters] Do you have designs on the man in there?
Mulan [shortly]: You needn't meddle in my business.
Jili: If you have any designs on Li Liang I will put a stop to them.
Mulan: What are you talking about?
Jili: I refuse to let you and Li Liang carry on inside camp.
Mulan [disgusted]: That mind of yours is even filthier than an outhouse ditch.
Jili: Well, you're a woman and he's a man. It's in the blood. If you come here in the middle of the night to "jump in his arms," then you tell me what won't happen.
Mulan [embarrassed]: What "jumping in his arms?" [Starts to blush] It's just that…Yu Chenen just ran into my room and tried to fondle me. That's why I ran here, so I could hide from him.
Jili [shocked]: He acted that amorally? I'm going to go give him a piece of my mind! [Gets up but Mulan drags him back down]
Mulan: Forget about it. Don't make it a bigger deal than it is.
Jili [protesting]: But he…this time, his actions are worse than an animal's. We can't just let it slide and forget about it.
Mulan: So you want the entire camp to know that I'm a woman?
Jili: But…
Mulan: I'll handle my own affairs. Go back to bed and don't stick around here making weird noises. [Turns and returns to General Li's quarters]
Jili: But Mulan… [mutters to himself] That's just too abominable!
[Back in General Li's room, Mulan gently tucks in the sleeping Li Liang. She looks very puzzled about her true feelings towards Li Liang and Colonel Yu and remains deep in thought]
[Cut to hut in camp. Jili is alone at night, with his figure silhouetted against the window]
Jili [calling]: Brother god…brother god…Hey! Are you coming out or not?
Tienzao [materializing]: Whom are you yelling at?
Jili: Oh. Brother god, I've been calling for you all this time. Why didn't you respond?
Tienzao: I had to take care of things in the immortal realms first before I could come down here. What did you need to see me about?
Jili: Um… this has to do with Hua Mulan. You see, I don't want to see her taking this chance to kiss up to Li Liang. If she keeps this up, I don't know if Li Liang will promote her to a high rank in return.
Tienzao: That reminds me, the Jade Emperor mentioned you today.
Jili [alarmed]: What did he say?
Tienzao: He said that he is most displeased with your work. He said you stir the pot here and there but aren't getting any results.
Jili [scoffing]: Don't go there. Those three treasures that Empress Wangmu gave me aren't worth a hill of beans. They're ineffective if they get dirty…or get wet…or whatever. It seems each time I turn around and use them they get me all mussed up with dirt and grime.
Tienzao: Really?
Jili: Go back to heaven and tell the Jade Emperor that if he wants me to do a better job, he needs to increase my magical powers.
Tienzao [scolding]: Magical powers are earned through training and practice. You think it's just a question of "ask and you shall receive?"
Jili: Empress Wangmu has lots and lots of Celestial Peaches in her neck of the woods. If I could eat some of those I could increase my magic.
Tienzao: Those Celestial Peaches belong to Empress Wangmu. Where do you expect the Jade Emperor to get some?
Jili: Well…if you get down to it, the Jade Emperor has more clout, but if you're talking fortune, then Empress Wangmu has comes out on top. She has so many Celestial Peaches that she can dole them out to whomever she pleases. All you need to do is eat one of them and you can increase your magical powers. How cool is that?
Tienzao: Anyway, Empress Wangmu doesn't know you are actually working for the Jade Emperor. You can go to her and ask for a Celestial Peach to eat.
Jili: Empress Wangmu did give me a Celestial Peach.
Tienzao [puzzled]: You ate a Celestial Peach already and you still don't feel you've increased your magical powers sufficiently?
Jili [sheepish]: Er…actually, I only caught a glimpse of the Celestial Peach but didn't get to eat it. Um… I was about to eat it when I accidentally dropped it on the ground. Then a mean and vicious dog scooped it up with one bite. Oh, that dog is really unlucky now. I don't know how long it's going to live (when a mortal eats a Celestial Peach it gives eternal life and youth).
Tienzao: That wasn't bad luck. It's fate. If it was not meant for you to eat then even if it fell into your hand you would not be able to eat it.
Jili [muttering]: If I can't eat it, then I'm not going to let Li Liang eat it, either.
Tienzao: What did you say?
Jili [muttering]: Baloney.
Tienzao [raises his eyebrows]: What?
Jili: Um…Brother god, could you please help me fix up that jerk?
[Cut to General Li's quarters. It is now morning and Mulan is sitting at the desk, leaning on her arm asleep. Li Liang wakes up and gets out of bed, then puts his blanket on the sleeping form of Mulan. She jumps awake at the touch]
Mulan: General Li, sir. [Elated when she sees he is up and about] Hey, you're alright now!
Li Liang [looks himself up and down]: Hey. [Jumps around and moves easily] That's odd. I couldn't even move last night. How come everything is fine after a good night's sleep? [Mulan sneezes loudly and Li Liang looks over in concern] What's the matter? Did you catch cold? [Puts the back of his hand against her forehead] Do you have a fever?
Mulan [shaking him off]: Oh, it's nothing. I’m a strange one. This always happens when I get really happy.
Li Liang [incredulous]: That's weird. [Mulan sneezes a few more times] I suppose that means you're too happy? [Grins at her and Mulan smiles back]
[Cut to the part of camp near the front gate. Colonel Yu is standing there waiting to see Mulan when she walks up. He looks very ashamed about his actions and a little embarrassed to see her. Her face hardens when she spots him and she tries to ignore him and walk by, but he grabs her arm]
Mulan [coldly]: Let go.
Colonel Yu: I drank too much last night. I said some things I shouldn't have said. Please forgive me.
Mulan [turns around]: Pathetic excuses.
Colonel Yu: Please let me explain. I didn't do that intentionally.
Mulan: You needn't tell me anymore. If you really had no idea what you were doing, then you wouldn't come and apologize to me.
Colonel Yu [pleading]: I really didn't know what I was doing. I was very drunk. You have to believe me.
Mulan [coldly]: Step aside.
Colonel Yu [begging]: Mulan. Please, I can explain.
Mulan [glares at him]: Shameless. [Slaps him roundly on the face] You're utterly shameless! [She turns and walks through the gate, leaving Colonel Yu mortified and angry]
Colonel Yu [not looking at her but shouting]: Hua Mulan! If Li Liang was the one that did what I did last night, what would you do? Would you run into his arms willingly? [Mulan gets tears of hurt in her eyes at his words. She doesn't look at him but continues walking straight ahead]
[Cut to mess hall. The troops are busily receiving their meals when General Li walks in. He looks around the mess then goes to Monkey, who salutes him]
General Li: Where's Lieutenant Hua? I haven't seen him all day. Is he ill?
Monkey: Boss? I don't know. [General Li turns to go. At this moment, Mulan comes into the mess, staring at the ground. In his hurry to leave, General Li steps on her foot. She jumps up and down in pain and grabs her foot]
General Li: Lieutenant Hua. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that.
Mulan [shortly]: Why don’t you watch where you're going?
General Li: I'm sorry. Does it hurt?
Mulan: Does it hurt?! Why don't you let me step on your foot and you tell me if it hurts?
General Li: Well, alright. Go ahead and step on my foot, then. [Mulan stomps on his foot hard, causing General Li to jump up and down on one foot] Oww! You really did step on my foot!
Mulan: Of course. I wasn't kidding with you. [General Li continues to hop up and down, grimacing in pain. He is putting on a show, of course, but Mulan doesn't realize that] Hey. Does it really hurt that much?
General Li: Of course it does. [He sits down and the other troops start to watch the fun from the mess. Jili is watching with narrowed eyes] Could you please massage my foot?
Mulan [kneels down]: Oh. Sure. [Starts rubbing his foot] Is that any better?
General Li: It still hurts.
Mulan: Is that any better?
General Li: It still hurts. [The other troops all file out to get a closer look and surround Mulan and Li Liang. General Li is still loudly complaining about the pain but senses everyone's presence and gets up quickly, shooting a warning look at everyone]
Mulan: What are you all looking at? [General Li also gets to his feet. Suddenly, his foot doesn't seem to hurt anymore]
Monkey [teasingly]: Oh, you two are really too much. Watching you makes me feel all funny inside. I feel so queasy…
Mulan [grabbing his shoulder]: What nonsense are you talking about?
Monkey: I'm not talking nonsense. Before you arrived just now, General Li was looking high and low for you. He had a woebegone and crestfallen look on his face, but when you arrived, his expression suddenly changed. He started to smile again and became much livelier and lovable. Boss, you're fabulous. Could you help me feel better, too? Step on my foot also. [He presents his foot but Mulan turns her back on him; she is starting to blush but she doesn't want her soldiers to see that. Pudgy comes over and stomps on Monkey's foot for her]
Pudgy: There you go again, making a joke of Boss!
Mulan: Well stomped. Well stomped.
Monkey: I'm not making this up. Hey guys, isn't it true that General Li takes extra good care of Boss? [The troops all nod in approval]
Mulan: General Li treats everyone in camp equally well.
General Li: That's true. Isn't that right? [The troops mutter in approval. Jili is looking daggers at Li Liang]
Jili [muttering]: Those two tramps. I see the looks you are giving each other. Stop denying it.
Monkey: General Li, sir, we're not jealous of your closeness to Boss. You needn't be so worried. General Li, do you worry about him each time you see him? When you hear him sneeze do you immediately worry that he's coming down with a cold and will fall ill? When you see him do you get a really happy feeling in your heart, as if intoxicated with fine wine? [The troops all crowd closer to hear General Li's response. They don't notice that Mulan is mortified at the questions]
General Li [uncomfortably]: Stop messing around. [He turns and leaves. Pudgy grabs Monkey and shakes him roughly]
Pudgy: Now you've done it. You've angered General Li!
Mulan [turning on Monkey]: I'm warning you. If you ever make General Li and I the butt of your jokes, I will cut out your tongue! [Turns to rest of her soldiers] Now get back to the mess and finish your meal! [They all scamper away. Sergeant Huang comes running up and salutes Mulan]
Sergeant Huang: Colonel Yu wants to see you immediately. You'd better hurry over. [She heads off with Sergeant Huang. Jili watches the proceedings with great interest as he stuffs some rice into his mouth]
[Cut to field outside camp. Mulan is walking briskly on the road when she stops and senses someone following her]
Mulan [sternly]: I'm going to count to three. I want you to come out and show yourself!
[Jili is crouching behind Mulan and trying to hide himself]
Jili [whispering]: She couldn't have detected me. I was extra careful while following her.
Mulan [sensing Jili is at her feet, pulls him up by the collar]: What are you doing, sneaking around like that following me?
Jili: I came along to protect you.
Mulan [incredulous]: What?
Jili: I'm afraid Yu Chenen is going to try something again, and… [Demonstrates by pawing over Mulan; she shoves him away]
Mulan [sharply]: What are you doing? It's daytime now; I doubt he'll try anything in the open.
Jili: True, he shouldn't dare anything now.
Mulan: You aren't here to protect me; you're trying to find ways to shirk. Go back!
Jili: But…
Mulan: Go back!
Jili: But…[He tries to grab Mulan but she draws back her fist]
Mulan: GO BACK! [Seeing she means business, Jili slinks away. Mulan then continues on your journey]
[Cut to Colonel Yu's quarters. He is sitting at his desk writing when Mulan enters]
Mulan: Colonel Yu, sir, you asked me to come here quickly. What orders do you have for me?
Colonel Yu [hands a letter to her]: Take this.
[Jili creeps over and peeks in the door. Mulan takes the letter and starts reading it. She crumples it in anger]
Mulan: Why do you want me to immediately ask for my discharge from the army and leave Three Mile Camp?
Colonel Yu [icily]: What's the matter? You can't bear to part from the great General Li?
Mulan: Brother Yu…
Colonel Yu [sarcastically]: I'm selfish and childish. I'm not fit to be your elder brother. I want you to leave camp by noon tomorrow. I don't want to see you again.
Mulan: Colonel Yu, I think you're mistaken. [Tosses the letter back on his table] Li Liang and I are only friends. There is no romantic involvement between us.
Colonel Yu: I don't care what your relationship is. I only know that you are masquerading as a man and have joined the army to fool around!
Mulan: You knew long ago that I wasn't a man. Why didn't you force me out sooner?
Colonel Yu: Well, I want you to leave now.
Mulan [getting annoyed]: Are you going to be reasonable or not?
Colonel Yu [heatedly]: If I wasn't reasonable I would have long since reported you to the Marshal. If you don't leave now, not only will you get yourself in trouble, but you'll also drag your father into trouble.
Mulan: I joined the army in my father's place to serve and protect my country. What crime is that?
Colonel Yu [standing up]: Your masquerading as an able-bodied man to represent your family IS a crime.
Mulan: Are you saying that if you're not a man you cannot protect and serve your country? The conscription notices only said that an able-bodied person from each family had to serve. It didn't say that women could not serve. If I can do my duty , why should you care if I'm a man or a woman?
Colonel Yu: Men are "ding" and women are "kong." (The term "ding" normally implies an able-bodied man, though it can also mean "able-bodied person) Haven't you read your literature?
Mulan: Of course I've read my literature. There's a line from the famous Han text Yanan Chuan that says male "ding" are the best while female "ding" are guaranteed losers. Female "ding" means any able-bodied adult female. Since the conscription notice didn't state that only male "ding" could serve, of course female "ding" can also serve.
Colonel Yu: I don't want to debate this issue with you. Ever since ancient times, no women have joined the army to serve. If you don’t leave camp by noon tomorrow, I will expose you to the Marshal!
[Jili scurries in the door and shuts it behind him. Both Mulan and Colonel Yu start when they see him]
Jili: Boss…Boss…[he pulls her aside]
Colonel Yu [sternly]: Su Jili! Who let you in here?
Jili: Who let me in? I saw you persecuting Boss so I came in to help her out. [Turns to Mulan] Boss, don’t mind this jerk. If he exposes you, he also has a share of the punishment!
Colonel Yu [angrily]: Leave here immediately!
Jili [glares at Colonel Yu]: Don't go thinking that since you are now a colonel that you can start looking down on people. Do you know who I am? If you keep picking on Boss, I promise I'll make you pay! [Mulan looks nervous that Jili is angering Colonel Yu even further. She tries to restrain him but to no avail]
Colonel Yu: I haven't repaid you for the last time you were guilty of insubordination and when you bespelled me. Since you dare come here today and threaten me, I'll see to it you'll respect my power! [They start fighting each other. Mulan tries to break them up but Colonel Yu shoves her aside, then proceeds to thrash Jili. Jili is leaning against the wall when Colonel Yu tries to deliver a final blow, but Mulan gets in the way and ends up receiving a fierce blow to her back. She spits up blood and falls against Jili. Colonel Yu is aghast when he realizes what he's done]
Jili [panicking]: Boss! You're bleeding! [Mulan turns and glares at Colonel Yu. He looks subdued now]
Colonel Yu: Su Jili. You needn't stay in camp, either. Take her away immediately.
Mulan: Yu Chenen. I never thought you were such a terrible person. I won't leave. If you have the balls, go right ahead and report me to the Marshal. [To Jili] Jili, let's go. [Jili gingerly helps her out the door and they leave. Colonel Yu sits down and looks guilty about what he has done]
[Cut to Mulan's quarters. Jili is carrying her in one arm and places her on her bed]
Jili: Stay here. I'm going to go fetch the camp doctor.
Mulan [grabbing his arm]: No. You mustn't go fetch the camp doctor.
Jili: You still want to hide your identity? You still want to stay in camp?
Mulan: I came here to make a name for myself. I refuse to return home now and let my mother look down on me. If you go fetch the camp doctor, I'll never forgive you. [She faints]
Jili: Fool. [Notices Mulan is silent, so he shakes her gently] Mulan? [Shakes her harder but she isn't responding] Mulan! Wake up! Don't die on me! Mulan! [Pats her cheek] Mulan, wake up! Fine, I'll help you make a name for yourself. Don't die, Mulan! I promise I'll help you, alright? Don’t die.
[Cut to Marshal's quarters. General Li and the Marshal are reviewing Colonel Yu's plans for a new organization chart]
General Li: Marshal, sir, do you plan to make Chenen the head strategist?
Marshal: How could I do that? He doesn't have the experience. If I gave him this position, it would hurt him, not help him.
General Li: But when he was explaining this new chart, he made it sound like it was something that was his due.
Marshal [standing up]: He has his ideas and I have my considerations. If I make him head strategist, will you be content? Will the other officers under him be content?
[Colonel Yu comes marching in and salutes the Marshal]
Colonel Yu: Marshal, sir, it turns out that Hua Mulan is a woman.
General Li [chuckling]: Colonel Yu, what kind of joke are you playing?
Colonel Yu: I just found out this truth, too. She has been lying to me all these years. Even though she's a woman, she has been acting unsuitably for a young lady. It's bad enough that she's been dressing as a man, but she's also broken imperial law by serving in her father's place. She has upset our army's fitness. Sir, please punish her immediately!
General Li: How did you find out she's a woman?
Colonel Yu: I found out from little wisps of evidence that I pieced together. Marshal, sir, to prove if Hua Mulan is a man or a woman, simply send the camp doctor to conduct a physical examination.
[Cut to the camp doctor's tent. It is empty when Jili runs inside with a list in his hand]
Jili: Camp doctor! Camp doctor! [Walks over to a table with various herbs stored in jugs on it. He sits down before it, checks his list, and rummages amongst the jars to find what he needs. He opens one and puts some of its contents in a mortar and pestle, then begins to grind the herbs. The camp doctor walks in and looks puzzled at Jili's actions]
Camp Doctor [mystified]: What are you doing?
Jili: Where have you been? Off cavorting about town? Come here and help me get this medicine.
Camp Doctor: Which platoon are you from?
Jili: What does it matter? Hurry and help me get these medicines.
[A voice outside the tent is heard calling for the camp doctor]
Soldier: Dr. Liao! Dr. Liao!
Camp Doctor: What's the matter?
Soldier: General Li has urgent business he needs to discuss with you. [Hearing General Li's name, Jili runs and hides behind some boxes. General Li walks in the tent]
General Li: Dr. Liao, if you would please come with me?
Camp Doctor: What's the matter? Is something amiss with the Marshal?
General Li: No, it's not the Marshal; it's Hua Mulan, or Lieutenant Hua. Colonel Yu just came to the Marshal to report that he was in actuality a woman masquerading as a man. If we might trouble you to come give him a physical examination? [They leave together. Jili is still hiding but he's increasingly worried after hearing General Li's words]
Jili: This is a problem…[He gets up and runs off]
[Cut to the front door to Mulan's quarters. General Li is with the camp doctor and a guard. They approach and General Li knocks on the door]
General Li: Lieutenant Hua? [Knocks some more] Lieutenant Hua? [Knocks again] Lieutenant Hua, please open the door. [Mulan suddenly opens the door. She has a big smile on her face and doesn't look as if she is suffering any ill-effects from Colonel Yu's blow the night before]
Mulan: Oh, it's General Li! Is there something you need? [Bats her eyelashes] Did you come here to chat with me? [Flutters eyelashes some more]
General Li: Someone accused you of being a woman in disguise.
Mulan [flutters eyelashes]: A woman? What bastard is playing a joke on me? I'm a woman? Does this bastard have any proof?
Camp Doctor: I'm here to get that proof.
Mulan [big smile]: Dr. Liao! You're here to give me a physical examination? Wow! That is a sweet idea! Come on in… [Reaches out and pulls the camp doctor in by the arm. We see that Mulan has the Stupor-Inducing Flag tucked behind one arm. She then gives General Li a big grin and shuts the door in his face]
[Inside Mulan's quarters, she is still acting oddly]
Mulan [to Camp Doctor]: Someone accused me of being a woman? That is an insult of the highest magnitude. When you examine me, I want you to check every inch and make sure you do it thoroughly.
Camp Doctor: Alright.
Mulan: Well, then let's get started. Keep your eye on this. [She whips out the Stupor-Inducing Flag and waves it a few times in front of the camp doctor] [The camp doctor is hypnotized as a small fluttering bit of light swirls from the flag. Mulan directs the hypnotized doctor's attention to the body lying on the bed] Over there. Hua Mulan is over there. [The body is that of Jili] Go over and begin the examination.
[The doctor goes over and starts feeling over and peering under Jili's armor. He appears asleep. Mulan chuckles and giggles as if she is getting tickled. The doctor chuckles with her]
Mulan: Don't just examine upstairs. Don't forget to check downstairs,
too. [The doctor laughs and then peers down Jili's pants. His eyes widen
in surprise]